Grappling With Forgiveness
You have an agreement when you are in a committed relationship, once you let someone else in, you have voided that agreement.
Its Not Your Fault
The Other Women Hasn’t Won
Things Will Get Better
Finding out about infidelity is always heart-wrenching. Everything my ex had ever told me was a lie. I remember when I initially prompted the breakup, he told me he was going to take the time to work on himself so that he didn’t do the things he used to do to me anymore. That he wanted to be better. It was all bulls*t. It was so effortless for him to lie to me directly to my face.
I think it is an important reminder for women that we invest time in someone and patiently wait for them to fully give us what we need. I think it is important to know when it is time to walk away, because I knew exactly what I wanted out of my relationship and I wasn’t getting it. I think the best analogy, is from He’s Just Not That Into You. I thought I was dating Ben Affleck’s character, when in reality I was dating Bradley Cooper’s character.
My ex never made me a priority, he had so many excuses and he was not willing to change. Sometimes when you walk away, you are closer to getting what you want than when you stay and hope things will change. If he values and appreciates you then he will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
What has really helped me is how accepting people are, I may have gotten a little crazy but with breakups, you get a Crazytown Hall Pass. Finding a friend to confide in and to just listen to me vent and be supportive and understanding and gentle has been instrumental in pushing past my experience. The best reminder is that you can’t dwell on other people’s behavior. I can only focus on how they have affected me and how I can cope with them and learn and grow.
Take that Energy and Direct it Elsewhere
All the women that I know that have been cheated on, are smart, independent, beautiful powerful women who were wasting all their energy on their partners. Take that energy and redirect it back into yourself. The minute I started to put myself first I felt so much better. I had been giving up so much of myself and for what? So my counterpart could blossom? It was time to take time for myself.
Reading has also been a good outlet for me, almost like a form of self-care. I really wanted to understand my emotions and work through them, so I didn’t continue to make the same mistakes and let the wrong people into my life again.
Acceptance was a hard one for me. It took a while to feel real. Every time I would go on a bad date, it made me angry at my ex. I would just think about the bond we had and how comfortable our relationship was, and how I was wasting another evening smiling and nodding with Mr.Not Right For Me. I think this is just a case of the grass is always being greener. A true connection will come and I would rather wait for someone that is willing to fully commit to me than someone who has their foot halfway out the door.
Dating is supposed to be exciting and fun, so I started to be gentler with myself, putting less pressure on dating and collecting all the doozies to share on my next girls’ night. They aren’t all going to be winners, but it’s important to keep putting yourself out there and know that there is someone better out there for you. I also figured out a balance so that I was still being true to myself and giving myself time to heal.
Building Real Relationships
Talking about my experience has brought me closer to so many people. It is nice knowing this too will pass. Everyone has obstacles that they need to overcome and sharing vulnerable moments is a way to form meaningful connections with people. When I share a major hurt in my life, there is always someone who can relate to it, or has been through a similar hardship; I now have this yearning for only authentic relationships and I shy away from surface conversations. The connections in my life are more meaningful and fulfilling now. There are so many new people I have invited into my life that have added way more value to my life than my relationship ever did. I have grown so much as a person and I have discovered a new level of comfort with who I am.
I had a hard time understanding someone that would be capable of cheating, it just seemed so foreign to me, and since I didn’t understand it I took a lot of ownership. It wasn’t until I read some articles on infidelity, that it really helped me have a clearer line of sight into cheating, and how it had more to do with what was going on with him not me. These are the articles that I thought were very helpful for me to have a greater understanding:
I really wanted this article to be more about me processing my feelings and what I did with them, rather than bashing my ex. I do pride myself on being an open and honest person, so I really wanted to write a sincere post on cheating. We all struggle with self-worth and the self-talk that goes through our heads after a breakup. I know my imagination is my own worst enemy, so I found it helpful to hear time and time again that it is not my fault. Never take responsibility for other people’s actions and never feel you need to be responsible for someone else’s happiness.